All around us there is pain and suffering and yet many see the world through broken eyes. Eyes that only want to see the good, the perfection, the lies. Everyone around us is fighting their own demons, your mother, father, best-friend and even your most hated enemy. Yet we choose to blind ourselves to others afflictions. We deceive ourself so no wonder it is so easy for him to twist his way into our minds… He feeds off our worry and stress, our anger and sadness and make all our worst fears come true. Our fear of abandonment, isolation, being a weight on someone else. He takes the emotions that make us human and creates them into beasts, beasts who scratch, bite, claw there way through our minds until they are imbedded so deep they cannot be removed. He twists our minds inside out so that those we once saw as friends are now enemies, so that the sun is no longer a welcome warmth but a scorching heat we cannot stand. Our minds then tell our eyes that what they see is not good enough, that we are not good enough. No matter how hard we try to pull away from his embrace it continues to hold us and even when we believe that we are free, we are bound. He creates this false hope then rips it from under us as though he is taking away the ground. He laughs at us when we fall or cry or fail and instead of hating him we hate ourselves. This is no way to live. In the end he made us question if there is any point to life, even when we are surrounded by joy we cannot embrace it. He takes away our freedom, and we don’t even know it is him. His words create this trance that make us wrap ourselves into our own grave. He is beginning to pull me under again but I will not give in so easily… I cannot give in so easily…
Sorry I haven’t written for a while…
There has been so much going on recently. I’m deferred from UNI and trying to find a full time job. I haven’t told anyone in my family yet and I can’t. They don’t understand. They don’t want to. I try to talk to them about why I want to defer but they say that I have no idea what stress is. That I’m oversensitive, childish and that I have no idea whats best for me. Yet neither do they. They don’t understand that when I say I’m stressed, I mean I’m drowning, when I say I’m tired, I mean I don’t see the point, and when I say I can’t deal with it all, I don’t just mean UNI. It’s been roughly 5 years since I first starting my depressing journey and in all these years they still don’t care. They just look at me like I’m a disappointment and a failure. Like I’m a waste of space if I don’t do what they want me to do. If I don’t conform to the way they want me to be… I feel so guilty every time I decide to choose my own path because they seem to become so hurt. I am always the reason they are upset or the reason things go wrong and I just want it to stop. I want to be able to live a life I want. A life of freedom to decide. I have fought for so long just to be here today and they don’t see that because every time I try to tell them. They tell me I’m selfish and childish and lazy and broken.. I hate being broken. I hate being weak. Yet that is all they make me feel. They don’t see him, this voice against reason, this voice against joy… All they see is what they want to see because they don’t want to admit they fucked up. They broke me…
Today has been tougher than usual. My mind feeding my insecurities, the doubt I felt was a constant companion before has now resurfaced. I can’t decide whether the voices in my head are real or false and which thoughts are my own and which are his. I feel him trying to claw his way back into my life, draining my life force away with each encounter. It is getting harder and harder to pull away from his comforting arms made of thorns and bristles. The sweet longing to just give up because it is easier than fighting him off over and over again, with an increasing frequency. It is another day where I believe that I have won but it is getting harder and harder to win when he grows stronger while I grow weaker. He is not a person so it is not as simple as a restraining order or to hide because he resides within my mind a forgotten memory that, no longer wishes to be forgotten. It is another day of fighting back his seducing thoughts of giving in because it will be easier. I am scared of disappointing those I love and he uses this to tell me I am a failure already so theres nothing more I can lose. He knows everyone of my darkest fears and drags them into the light until they start feeling like truths. I will still fight though because I cannot afford to let him win again.
Well we all have those moments don’t we?? Where even though all around us there is light, hope and joy, somehow we feel like crying. Random tears start to stream down your cheeks without permission and your mood drops from 100 down to nil in what seems like the blink of an eye.
Those moments where we want to scream out but also don’t want to burden others. Where we cry and cover our mouths so no one can hear because “they won’t really care anyway”. These moments may seem small to those around you but they build, they fester like an open wound that will never close. These “small” moments are “big”, they are not moments that you should hide or be scared to show. I still have these moments where i will curl into a ball in the corner of my room and scream inside my head. The pain is so inexplainable, so raw and open. I feel weak, exposed and degraded because in today’s society there is an expectation to have thicker skin.
Society doesn’t seem to realise that depression and anxiety is larger than one individual. They hear about it or read about it and they never really see. they have closed there minds away because they don’t want to believe. They see on the news “that poor man/women” who committed suicide but yet they choose to do nothing to help. Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Friends etc. all see signs from a loved one that they are depressed, even suicidal, and yet the don’t see because they refuse to admit that there is anything wrong.
Please if you have one of those “small” moments, don’t think you are a burden if you scream for help, don’t think you attention seeking if you post how you feel online, instead scream at the top of your lungs and embrace the help, write how you feel and yes there are those that may comment negativity but only pay attention to those who offer you words of advice and comfort. I know it is easier said than done but trust me when you stop doubting yourself and when you start to allow people in. That is when your world starts to change and when you finally can begin your journey back to the light.
“This is my life… my story… my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it, nor will I apologise for the edits I make” – Steve Maraboli
Please I know it’s long but try to read it all. I hope that maybe someone out there will get something from this that will help them.
My story begins with a disorganised family. I grew up with just my mother and my older sister to guide me through life from the time I was born. My father you see, he was a good father, yet a terrible husband, a man who would use his hands to communicate his anger and frustration. There were times where he would come back into our lives, my memories from then are filled with anger, sadness and fear. Never knowing what to do or say to help and never being brave enough to try. Around the time I nine years old he came back again and my little brother was born, his name is Christopher. After he was born life seemed to be ok, I had a “normal” family. A mother, father and sibling. Then, everything started falling apart again as it always did.
That was the last time I saw my father. Anyway, mum remarried, we moved to VIC, then we moved back to QLD and my life turned upside down again. All through primary school there was bullying and yes it got to me but it was never anything like the bullying in High School. I had just moved from state to state, from primary school to high school, from childhood to tweenage years. My whole “world” was expanding in-front of my eyes, new opportunities, new people, new faces, new challenges…. Those challenges came at me over and over, relentless, every time I tried to get back up I was knocked down all over again. “When will it end..”, “why me?” , “is there something wrong with me?”, “what’s the point?”, these are all just some of the thoughts going through my head. My easy-going, trusting, sensitive nature wasn’t built to withstand the constant downfall. My young year 8 self, didn’t see an end to this tunnel of spikes and thorns. It was black and bleak and the scars being created couldn’t be fixed or repaired as they were not physical.
I grew up with the saying “sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you”, so I felt like I was weak, alone and that no one would care because they were just words… they shouldn’t hurt this much… should they? I had to find a way to escape from the constant pain inside me, a pain that wasn’t fixed with a bandaid and a kiss, this was a pain that consumed me ever moment of every day, like a dark cloud that would never leave. Earlier in life I learnt that if you hurt your knee, bite your finger and it won’t hurt as much because you have distracted your mind from your knee to your finger. The only thing to get rid of pain was pain somewhere else, and so I began self harming. It worked, at the time thats all I cared about. Until the scars, I was scared of people noticing, I learnt to do it on my thighs because it was less noticeable and I learnt to put on a mask. I smiled and laughed without truly feeling happiness. I was scared of people knowing because people would talk negatively about those who self harmed, exclude them… I was scared to lose those that I saw as friends and yet a part of me wanted to shout from the roof tops for all the hear. To try and explain to them something that I didn’t quite understand myself. The years went by we moved again but only cities not states this time.
I was getting better, year 10, new school, new people. They weren’t as hard to deal with anymore. I was learning how to cope. My self harming wasn’t as frequent, it was like i was weaning myself from a drug. Then, again, in year 11, my life fell apart around me. My best guy friend was suicidal and even though I didn’t even know how to help me I tried to help him. Then he reached breaking point, his gf, my best friend, broke up with him. I was the one who was blamed, all because of a stupid rumor… one little stupid rumor… and everyone believed it. The afternoon of their breakup I called him to see how he was and he cried to me on the phone and then tried to hang himself while I was still on the other end of the line. What would you have done??? I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was cry and beg and remind him that his family and all of us loved him and it worked. He stopped and said sorry and I made him promise that I would see him at school the next day and that night I couldn’t sleep.
The next day at school when I saw him all i could do was give him the biggest hug. The next week he came to school every day and I told myself he would be fine, that he was getting better because I couldn’t believe that we would all lose him. Then he didn’t come to school Monday, then Tuesday and then everyday that next week. I felt the need to call him everyday that week, but because of the rumor… that stupid little rumor, I didn’t. I was scared of everyone thinking it was true and them all turning against me and of being alone, when I should’ve been thinking of how he was alone. That Friday he left us, I only found out the next Monday. I felt like everyone was blaming me, I closed off, I pushed people away… I blamed myself. I stopped going to school for a while. I couldn’t… I couldn’t face everyone.
Eventually I moved schools again but the damage was done. My grades fell, I gained two new friends, Depression and Anxiety. I was a mess and the first thing my mother ever said when she saw my scars was, “you have issues” and she just walked away. I felt alone, worthless, scared, damaged, hurt, and so many more emotions all at once. I was constantly fighting off tears at random times and when I was alone, I would just scream inside my head, wishing for someone to hear me. At the end of 2015, year 11, I ended up in hospital because of an overdose. Its been nearly 2 years since then and I haven’t self harmed for about 6 months now. I have a loving boyfriend and a best friend, and I know that no matter what I will always have those two there for me when I need them.
I know what it’s like to feel like there is no end, and though I may not know exactly how you feel, I can try to relate and understand. One thing you will never hear from me, is me saying “I know how you feel”, because I don’t and never will. Everyone copes differently and everyone experiences emotions differently. Please though if this is the only thing you get out of this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Trust me when I say that there are so many people around you, even those you don’t know who care about you. I’ve been on both sides of the terrible line, someone who has lost a loved one to suicide and someone who has tried to commit suicide. Please if you ever need a friend to talk to email me or dm me on Instagram and I will respond. I promise everyone who follows my blog that right now, you are never alone and if ever you need someone I will be there as soon as I can.